I am married to a man who most people I know think is really not a good person. This wears on my heart because although he is very difficult, he has so much beauty that it seems only I can see. Am I just blind or seeing my truth? — B.

Dear B.,

To love someone and see their beauty when others do not certainly does have the potential to wear you down after awhile. Not only do you wind up questioning yourself, but you also have to mediate constantly between friends and family. That dance gets exhausting after awhile! So i understand your concern.

Your question, however, is difficult to answer without knowing you. The split you describe between your perceptions and those of your friends can come about in one of two ways:

1) You have a deep, resourceful, perceptive soul that sees straight into the heart of everyone, and your loved ones most of all. You understand your husband, know the good of which he’s capable, and appreciate him day by day even amidst the difficulties of living with him.
2) It’s also possible that you depend on your husband but the relationship is unhealthy for you. Although you tell yourself the story that you love him and can see the good in him – and the story has some truth to it! – you are having a hard time admitting that what your friends say has merit. They want to protect you from a relationship that’s sapping your energy and possibly doing even worse harm to you.

How can you tell the difference? Well, chances are that a little bit of both of these scenarios is true. You probably are deeply sensitive to the good in others, and – if it’s true that almost all your friends are concerned – there’s likely a problem here that’s begging for your attention. You may want to think about whether any of the following phrases, from Melody Beattie’s book Codependent No More, apply to you. Do you:

* Tend to anticipate other people’s needs?
* Wonder why others don’t do the same for you?
* Tell yourself that what you want and need is not important?
* Try to please others instead of yourself?
* Feel safest when giving?
* Stay loyal to people even when it hurts?
* Feel bored, empty, and worthless if you don’t have a crisis in your life, a problem to solve, or someone to help?
* Try to prove that you’re good enough to be loved?

These traits are just a small sample of many that Beattie gives to help people figure out whether they’re in a healthy relationship or not. If they sound awfully familiar, then the answer to your question is yes, there’s something you haven’t been wanting to see. If that’s so, pick up a copy of Beattie’s book and consider talking in more depth with the friend you trust most, with a professional counselor, or with people who in an Al-Anon group (whether or not you or those you care about have a history with alcohol or other drugs), who will understand the dilemma you’re facing from the inside out.

Thank you for asking your question, which lets me know that you’re aware of the need to take care not only of others, but also of yourself. Gratefulness involves thoughtful awareness of how both kinds of care-taking work in unison with each other.

With all best wishes,
Patricia