My boyfriend and I have recently broken up. I had placed my trust and love in him. Several weeks ago he informed me that he had been living a lie for the past 16 months with me. We had decided to live together and commit to a future with each other, each stating our love for the other. I feel my heart, my hopes and dreams have all been shattered. I am trying desperately to hang on to some form of gratitude. I'm seeking help thru Faith and Spiritual guidence. I'm having a difficult time hanging on. Is there any guidence you could give me at this my time of deep need? — Debbie

Dear Debbie,

Losing a boyfriend you trusted and loved is truly a wrenching experience. You feel profound sorrow, perhaps even as strongly as you would if someone died. A broken relationship is, in fact, a kind of death, the death of the couple you’d become. You feel disappointed in – and perhaps angry with -- your boyfriend for letting you down. And on top of that you feel unmoored, as if you’ve lost your stable central connection and even a large portion of your identity which had become tied up in your relationship. No wonder you’re having a tough time!

Sometimes gratitude begins with giving yourself credit for the difficulty you’re having. You can be grateful for your ability to feel…even though painful feelings aren’t the kind you’d naturally choose if offered an option! By going through suffering, your understanding of and compassion towards others deepens, and you get a chance to look at what matters most to you in life. For instance, you can take time now to ask yourself what you valued in this relationship, what qualities it evoked in you. Did you discover a new wealth of happiness or confidence or belief in your own beauty? If so, wonderful! Those qualities belong to you. Your boyfriend cannot take them when he leaves. Even though it may have seemed like he bestowed them on you, actually your joy and self-esteem were already emerging; they simply found a way to be reflected through this love you shared with him. You can go on claiming these gifts as yours no matter what your circumstances.

Another source of gratefulness lies in the many ways you can take care of yourself. You can go for long walks outdoors, letting Nature refresh and strengthen you. You can talk to family or friends about your needs and yearnings. You can write in a journal about your experiences, or play music that expresses how you feel, or paint your moods in somber or bold colors. You can dance: in the freedom of solitude or with others for company. You can meditate and pray. You can read the writings of people who endured great loss and became stronger for it, people like Helen Keller and Etty Hillesum. If you want extra help sorting through what the break-up means from you and how you can recover, you can make an appointment with a counselor.

You can also be grateful, strangely enough, for having such a hard time holding on. That’s exactly the time when you’re most open to receiving fresh faith and spiritual guidance. When everything’s going well, it’s easy to become impervious to divine help. But when things fall apart and your vulnerability comes to the fore, you become fully open to the way that the Divine Love supports us moment by moment, so much so that without it, we cannot exist. What an opportunity you have now to throw yourself fully into the arms of that Love!

And finally, you can be grateful for your dreams. Who says that they depended on this relationship to take form? If you dreamed of creativity or companionship or continuity, you can find them in new and unexpected ways: through volunteering to work with a needy child or elder, through artistic self-expression, through exploring a hobby or profession that attracts you, through holding steady in your established friendships. Most of all, you can seek the source of your dreams: the Peace “which passes understanding” and dwells within you. You can come to recognize it more and more fully and to live from an inner stability that cannot be shaken nor taken away from you. Then each time you go through a major change – and life is full of them, both joyful and sorrowful! – you will have a reference point in which to rest, observe, and respond in the ways that best benefit you and those around you.

With warm regards,
Patricia Carlson