I have worked two years in an organization that I hold in high regard, especially because of its founder and guiding light. During that time I’ve watched many outstanding employees leave in sheer exasperation over the power and privilege assumed by one person in what’s supposed to be a communal effort. Out of loyalty to the founder and the principles of the organization, I’ve somehow doggedly “hung in there” through all this, but now I’m at the boiling point again and don’t know if I can stand being taken advantage of a moment longer, even for the best of causes. How do I choose between loyalty on the one hand and personal integrity on the other, so as not to feel constantly compromised? — Jennifer S., Illinois

Dear Jennifer, yours is a tough question indeed. You rightly refuse to be denied your own dignity. Yet you’ve got enough altruism – caring about the organization’s goals and the founder’s vision -- to want to keep going even in the midst of oppressive dynamics. You’ve no doubt heard the expression “between a rock and a hard place,” and that’s where you’ve found yourself.

Two years is a long time to feel uneasy. This leads me to believe that you’ve found a truly wonderful cause, because otherwise, you would simply step out the minute the going got rough. You do not sound like a “doormat,” a person who simply lets people walk all over her. You apparently hold that cause fiercely in your own heart, which gives you stamina to put up with much that you consider to be unfair.

On the other hand, you also hold the accumulated stress of watching other employees bring their gifts to the organization and then depart. It sounds like their examples haunt you, making you wonder why you shouldn’t just go and do likewise. The struggle seems to be wearing you down, even while you do get some replenishment from a vision you hold dear.

If there were an easy answer, you would have known it long ago. But here are a few hints at hope which you can hold on to:

1) What goes around, comes around. If you are sacrificing some part of yourself in order to see a good cause to completion, then you will find in time that whatever you’ve lost in the process gets returned to you in good measure.

2) You have not lost your dignity. Even though you may feel imprisoned by circumstances beyond your control, you constantly bear in mind your right to choose what’s best for you and the organization. Though this is an extremely tiring way to approach a job, you’re no doubt building up some character strength in the process.

3) You know to ask for help when you need it, as you do here and probably do in your friendships, as well.

4) Things do change. Keep an eye out for nuances. Perhaps the situation is not exactly the same as it was a week ago, a month ago, a year ago. Allow yourself to be flexible enough to see when there’s some thread of difference; for instance, a sharing of power that you weren’t expecting.

5) You seem to be living the principles of gratefulness as best you know how, and that counts for a lot. You see the gifts before you and do not want to cast them away lightly, even at a cost to yourself.

You don’t say whether you have a human resources department at your disposal or opportunities to talk frankly with the founder of your organization or even with the person whose behavior troubles you. Of course these kinds of direct resources can always be a boon, but I do understand that under some circumstances, for a variety of reasons, you may not have this kind of recourse.

Ancient people who looked to the stars as a mirror of our personal reality noticed that the planet Mars takes approximately two years to make one cycle around the zodiac. To them, Mars represented the will, and they believed that each time it comes full circle you have a fresh opportunity to choose how you want to spend your energy. You have bravely made it through one such cycle. Now you’re at a point where you can make a new choice. In that choice I wish for you all the fullness of your dignity and the gifts you have to offer, coupled with your sensitivity to human dynamics and your desire to make a difference even when circumstances seem murky. That’s tough ground to tread, and you seem to have evolved some real wisdom in doing so.

With best regards,
Patricia Carlson